Two taxi-dermists stopped before a shop window in which an owl was displayed.
They immediately began to criticize the way it was mounted. Its eyes were not natural; its wings were not in proportions with its head; its beak was too pointed; its feathers were not neatly arranged; and its feet were too small…
When they had finished with their criticism, the owl turned its head – and winked at them.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
#25: Cool Salesman
One day long before his incarnation as a railway mogul, James Cooley worked as a traveling salesman for the Baldwin Locomotive Company.
One day he visited Terence Jackson, sales and purchasing manager of the Delaware and Lackawanna Railroad - a difficult man to see under any circumstances, nevermind for an unknown salesman...
"I would like to see Mr. Jackson," Cooley boldly informed Jackson's secretary, handing her his card. She then rose and disappeared into Jackson's office, where, through the partly opened door, Cooley saw him tear his card in half and throw it in the garbage.
The secretary soon returned and told Cooley that Jackson was unavailable. "May I have my card back?" he innocently asked.
Embarrassed, the secretary again disappeared into Jackson's office, returning a moment later with a nickel and a curt message: "Mr. Jackson says that your card was destroyed, but he hopes the five cents will repay the cost of printing it."
Cooley promptly drew another card from his pocket and handed it to the bemused secretary.
"Take this back to him," he instructed her, "and tell him I sell two cards for a nickel."
One day he visited Terence Jackson, sales and purchasing manager of the Delaware and Lackawanna Railroad - a difficult man to see under any circumstances, nevermind for an unknown salesman...
"I would like to see Mr. Jackson," Cooley boldly informed Jackson's secretary, handing her his card. She then rose and disappeared into Jackson's office, where, through the partly opened door, Cooley saw him tear his card in half and throw it in the garbage.
The secretary soon returned and told Cooley that Jackson was unavailable. "May I have my card back?" he innocently asked.
Embarrassed, the secretary again disappeared into Jackson's office, returning a moment later with a nickel and a curt message: "Mr. Jackson says that your card was destroyed, but he hopes the five cents will repay the cost of printing it."
Cooley promptly drew another card from his pocket and handed it to the bemused secretary.
"Take this back to him," he instructed her, "and tell him I sell two cards for a nickel."
#24: The Real Princess
(One of my favorite stories, since my seventh standard)
There was once a prince, and he wanted a princess, but then she must be a real Princess. He travelled right around the world to find one, but there was always something wrong. There were plenty of princesses, but whether they were real princesses he had great difficulty in discovering; there was always something which was not quite right about them. So at last he had come home again, and he was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly.
One evening there was a terrible storm; it thundered and lightninged and the rain poured down in torrents; indeed it was a fearful night.
In the middle of the storm somebody knocked at the town gate, and the old King himself sent to open it.
It was a princess who stood outside, but she was in a terrible state from the rain and the storm. The water streamed out of her hair and her clothes; it ran in at the top of her shoes and out at the heel, but she said that she was a real princess.
'Well we shall soon see if that is true,' thought the old Queen, but she said nothing. She went into the bedroom, took all the bed clothes off and laid a pea on the bedstead: then she took twenty mattresses and piled them on top of the pea, and then twenty feather beds on top of the mattresses. This was where the princess was to sleep that night. In the morning they asked her how she slept.
'Oh terribly bad!' said the princess. 'I have hardly closed my eyes the whole night! Heaven knows what was in the bed. I seemed to be lying upon some hard thing, and my whole body is black and blue this morning. It is terrible!'
They saw at once that she must be a real princess when she had felt the pea through twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds. Nobody but a real princess could have such a delicate skin.
So the prince took her to be his wife, for now he was sure that he had found a real princess, and the pea was put into the Museum, where it may still be seen if no one has stolen it.
Now this is a true story.
There was once a prince, and he wanted a princess, but then she must be a real Princess. He travelled right around the world to find one, but there was always something wrong. There were plenty of princesses, but whether they were real princesses he had great difficulty in discovering; there was always something which was not quite right about them. So at last he had come home again, and he was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly.
One evening there was a terrible storm; it thundered and lightninged and the rain poured down in torrents; indeed it was a fearful night.
In the middle of the storm somebody knocked at the town gate, and the old King himself sent to open it.
It was a princess who stood outside, but she was in a terrible state from the rain and the storm. The water streamed out of her hair and her clothes; it ran in at the top of her shoes and out at the heel, but she said that she was a real princess.
'Well we shall soon see if that is true,' thought the old Queen, but she said nothing. She went into the bedroom, took all the bed clothes off and laid a pea on the bedstead: then she took twenty mattresses and piled them on top of the pea, and then twenty feather beds on top of the mattresses. This was where the princess was to sleep that night. In the morning they asked her how she slept.
'Oh terribly bad!' said the princess. 'I have hardly closed my eyes the whole night! Heaven knows what was in the bed. I seemed to be lying upon some hard thing, and my whole body is black and blue this morning. It is terrible!'
They saw at once that she must be a real princess when she had felt the pea through twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds. Nobody but a real princess could have such a delicate skin.
So the prince took her to be his wife, for now he was sure that he had found a real princess, and the pea was put into the Museum, where it may still be seen if no one has stolen it.
Now this is a true story.
Monday, November 13, 2006
#23: Watson & Holmes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"
Saturday, November 11, 2006
#22: Letter of Appreciation
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Later: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report emailed to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Later: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report emailed to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
#21: Leading from the rear
The story goes: upon completing a highly dangerous tightrope walk over Niagara Falls in appalling wind and rain, “The Great Zumbrati” was met by an enthusiastic supporter, who urged him to make a return trip, this time pushing a wheelbarrow, which the spectator had thought-fully brought along.
The Great Zumbrati was reluctant, given the terrible conditions, but the supporter pressed him,
‘You can do it – I know you can,’ he urged.
‘You really believe I can do it?’ asked Zumbrati.
‘Yes – definitely – you can do it,’ the supporter insisted.
‘OK,’ said Zumbrati, ‘Get in the wheelbarrow...
The Great Zumbrati was reluctant, given the terrible conditions, but the supporter pressed him,
‘You can do it – I know you can,’ he urged.
‘You really believe I can do it?’ asked Zumbrati.
‘Yes – definitely – you can do it,’ the supporter insisted.
‘OK,’ said Zumbrati, ‘Get in the wheelbarrow...
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
#20: Parrot and the Sergeant
A retired sergeant major inherited a talking parrot from a recently departed relative who had run a busy dockside pub.
For the first few days in his new home the normally talkative parrot was distinctly shy. The old major, despite his stern and disciplined ways, felt sorry for the bird, and gently encouraged it with soft words and pieces of fruit. After a week or so the parrot began to find its voice - a little at first - and then more so.
Responding to the kind treatment, the parrot's vocabulary continued to recover, including particularly the many colourful expressions it had been taught in the dockside pub. The old sergeant major began to be quite irritated by the parrot's incessant rudeness, and after a few more days of worsening profanities, decided action was required to bring the bird under control.
The sergeant major tried at first to incentivise the parrot with the promise of reward for good behaviour, but to no avail. He next tried to teach the bird a lesson by withdrawing its privileges, again to no avail; the parrot remained stubbornly rude.
Finally the old major flipped into battleground management mode; he grabbed the bird, clamped his hands around its beak, and thrust the struggling, swearing parrot, into the top drawer of the freezer, slamming the door tightly shut. The swearing and struggling noises continued inside the freezer for a few seconds and then abruptly stopped.
The sergeant major listened for a while and then, concerned that the parrot's shock might have been terminal, carefully opened the freezer door and opened the drawer to look. The parrot slowly clambered out of the drawer and perched on its edge.
"I must apologise for my rude and disrespectful behaviour," said the parrot, "I promise never to use bad language again. And by the way, what did the turkey do?"
For the first few days in his new home the normally talkative parrot was distinctly shy. The old major, despite his stern and disciplined ways, felt sorry for the bird, and gently encouraged it with soft words and pieces of fruit. After a week or so the parrot began to find its voice - a little at first - and then more so.
Responding to the kind treatment, the parrot's vocabulary continued to recover, including particularly the many colourful expressions it had been taught in the dockside pub. The old sergeant major began to be quite irritated by the parrot's incessant rudeness, and after a few more days of worsening profanities, decided action was required to bring the bird under control.
The sergeant major tried at first to incentivise the parrot with the promise of reward for good behaviour, but to no avail. He next tried to teach the bird a lesson by withdrawing its privileges, again to no avail; the parrot remained stubbornly rude.
Finally the old major flipped into battleground management mode; he grabbed the bird, clamped his hands around its beak, and thrust the struggling, swearing parrot, into the top drawer of the freezer, slamming the door tightly shut. The swearing and struggling noises continued inside the freezer for a few seconds and then abruptly stopped.
The sergeant major listened for a while and then, concerned that the parrot's shock might have been terminal, carefully opened the freezer door and opened the drawer to look. The parrot slowly clambered out of the drawer and perched on its edge.
"I must apologise for my rude and disrespectful behaviour," said the parrot, "I promise never to use bad language again. And by the way, what did the turkey do?"
#19: Quarelling Couples
A man and his wife had been arguing all night, and as bedtime approached neither was speaking to the other. It was not unusual for the pair to continue this war of silence for two or three days, however, on this occasion the man was concerned; he needed to be awake at 4:30am the next morning to catch an important flight, and being a very heavy sleeper he normally relied on his wife to wake him.
Cleverly, so he thought, while his wife was in the bathroom, he wrote on a piece of paper: 'Please wake me at 4:30am - I have an important flight to catch'. He put the note on his wife's pillow, then turned over and went to sleep.
The man awoke the next morning and looked at the clock. It was 8:00am. Enraged that he'd missed his flight, he was about to go in search of his errant wife to give her a piece of his mind, when he spotted a hand-written note on his bedside cabinet.
The note said: 'It's 4:30am - get up.'
Cleverly, so he thought, while his wife was in the bathroom, he wrote on a piece of paper: 'Please wake me at 4:30am - I have an important flight to catch'. He put the note on his wife's pillow, then turned over and went to sleep.
The man awoke the next morning and looked at the clock. It was 8:00am. Enraged that he'd missed his flight, he was about to go in search of his errant wife to give her a piece of his mind, when he spotted a hand-written note on his bedside cabinet.
The note said: 'It's 4:30am - get up.'
#18: Lateral thinking
While transporting some unfortunate mental patients from one secure place to another, the newly appointed bus driver stopped at a roadside restaurant for natural break.
On his return to the bus, all twenty patients were gone.
Being a resourceful fellow and fearing the consequences of his negligence, he drove to the next bus stop, where he claimed to be a replacement for the usual service. Allowing twenty people aboard, the driver made straight for his destination, where he warned staff at the gates that the 'patients' were deluded and extremely volatile.
The angry 'patients' were duly removed, sedated and incarcerated, and remained in detention for three days, until staff were able to check the records and confirm their true identities. The actual patients were never found.
On his return to the bus, all twenty patients were gone.
Being a resourceful fellow and fearing the consequences of his negligence, he drove to the next bus stop, where he claimed to be a replacement for the usual service. Allowing twenty people aboard, the driver made straight for his destination, where he warned staff at the gates that the 'patients' were deluded and extremely volatile.
The angry 'patients' were duly removed, sedated and incarcerated, and remained in detention for three days, until staff were able to check the records and confirm their true identities. The actual patients were never found.
#17: Blind Golfers story
A clergyman, a doctor and a business consultant were playing golf together one day and were waiting for a particularly slow group ahead.
The business consultant exclaimed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting over half and hour! It's a complete disgrace." The doctor agreed, "They're hopeless, I've never seen such a rabble on a golf course." The clergyman spotted the approaching greenkeeper and asked him what was going on, "What's happening with that group ahead of us? They're surely too slow and useless to be playing, aren't they?"
The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The three golfers fell silent for a moment.
The clergyman said, "Oh dear, that's so sad. I shall say some special prayers for them tonight." The doctor added, rather meekly, "That's a good thought. I'll get in touch with an ophthalmic surgeon friend of mine to see if there's anything that can be done for them."
After pondering the situation for a few seconds, the business consultant turned to the greenkeeper and asked, "Why can't they play at night?"
The business consultant exclaimed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting over half and hour! It's a complete disgrace." The doctor agreed, "They're hopeless, I've never seen such a rabble on a golf course." The clergyman spotted the approaching greenkeeper and asked him what was going on, "What's happening with that group ahead of us? They're surely too slow and useless to be playing, aren't they?"
The greenkeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The three golfers fell silent for a moment.
The clergyman said, "Oh dear, that's so sad. I shall say some special prayers for them tonight." The doctor added, rather meekly, "That's a good thought. I'll get in touch with an ophthalmic surgeon friend of mine to see if there's anything that can be done for them."
After pondering the situation for a few seconds, the business consultant turned to the greenkeeper and asked, "Why can't they play at night?"
#16: Time Management
After twenty-five years in the same parish, Father O'Shaunessey was saying his farewells at his retirement dinner. An eminent member of the congregation - a leading politician - had been asked to make a presentation and a short speech, but was late arriving.
So the priest took it upon himself to fill the time, and stood up to the microphone:
"I remember the first confession I heard here twenty-five years ago and it worried me as to what sort of place I'd come to... That first confession remains the worst I've ever heard. The chap confessed that he'd stolen a TV set from a neighbour and lied to the police when questioned, successfully blaming it on a local scallywag. He said that he'd stolen money from his parents and from his employer; that he'd had affairs with several of his friends' wives; that he'd taken hard drugs and murdered his neighbour. You can imagine what I thought... However I'm pleased to say that as the days passed I soon realised that this sad fellow was a frightful exception and that this parish was indeed a wonderful place full of kind and decent people..."
At this point the politician arrived and apologised for being late, and keen to take the stage, he immediately stepped up to the microphone and pulled his speech from his pocket:
"I'll always remember when Father O'Shaunessey first came to our parish," said the politician, "In fact, I'm pretty certain that I was the first person in the parish that he heard in confession....."
So the priest took it upon himself to fill the time, and stood up to the microphone:
"I remember the first confession I heard here twenty-five years ago and it worried me as to what sort of place I'd come to... That first confession remains the worst I've ever heard. The chap confessed that he'd stolen a TV set from a neighbour and lied to the police when questioned, successfully blaming it on a local scallywag. He said that he'd stolen money from his parents and from his employer; that he'd had affairs with several of his friends' wives; that he'd taken hard drugs and murdered his neighbour. You can imagine what I thought... However I'm pleased to say that as the days passed I soon realised that this sad fellow was a frightful exception and that this parish was indeed a wonderful place full of kind and decent people..."
At this point the politician arrived and apologised for being late, and keen to take the stage, he immediately stepped up to the microphone and pulled his speech from his pocket:
"I'll always remember when Father O'Shaunessey first came to our parish," said the politician, "In fact, I'm pretty certain that I was the first person in the parish that he heard in confession....."
#15: A Boy and Sea Creatures
A small boy was walking along a beach at low tide, where countless thousands of small sea creatures, having been washed up, were stranded and doomed to perish. A man watched as the boy picked up individual creatures and took them back into the water.
"I can see you're being very kind," said the watching man, "But there must be a million of them; it can't possibly make any difference."
Returning from the water's edge, the boy said, "It will for that one."
"I can see you're being very kind," said the watching man, "But there must be a million of them; it can't possibly make any difference."
Returning from the water's edge, the boy said, "It will for that one."
#14: Laconic Reply
Laconia was a city in Ancient Sparta. The Spartans were famous for their dry wits, which was called "laconic" after the region and its people.
When Phillip II invaded, he sent a message to the king of Laconia.
Message: You are advised to submit without further delay, for if I bring my army into your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people, and raze your city.
Reply: If
When Phillip II invaded, he sent a message to the king of Laconia.
Message: You are advised to submit without further delay, for if I bring my army into your land, I will destroy your farms, slay your people, and raze your city.
Reply: If
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