#38: God & a young man

A young man asked God how long a million years was to him.

God said, "A million years to you is like a single second to me."

The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.

God replied, "A million dollars to you is like a single penny to me."

The young man said, "Could I have one of your pennies?"

God smiled and said, "Certainly, just a second."

#36: Lateral Thinking Puzzles

1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why?

2. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, lumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?

3. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

4. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

Solution:

1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the elevator buttons. However,if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.

2. It was day time.

3. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

4. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so the man no longer needed the water.

#35: Lawyer Joke

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place, fella." So the engineer disappointedly reports to the gates of Hell wondering what he had done to deserve this. Pretty soon, having accepted his fate, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on His telepathic connection and asks, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. We're having a wonderful time." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

#33: English Class

On hearing one of his students use the expression, "I don't know nothing about it..." a teacher took the opportunity to explain about double negatives and correct grammar to the class.

The teacher explained, "In the English language a double negative makes the statement positive, so your assertion that you 'don't know nothing about it' is actually an admission that you do know something about it."

Encouraged by the interest in this revelation among certain class members, the teacher went on to demonstrate more of his knowledge of world languages: "Of course not all languages operate according to the same grammatical rules, for example, in Russian, a double negative remains negative, although perhaps surprisingly, there is not a single language anywhere in the world in which a double positive makes a negative.."

At which a voice from the back of the classroom called out ironically "Yeah, right.."

#32: Mental Hospital

A party of suppliers was being given a tour of a mental hospital.

One of the visitors had made some very insulting remarks about the patients.

After the tour the visitors were introduced to various members of staff in the canteen.

The rude visitor chatted to one of the security staff, Bill, a kindly and wise ex-policeman.

"Are they all raving loonies in here then?" said the rude man.

"Only the ones who fail the test," said Bill.

"What's the test?" said the man.

"Well, we show them a bath full of water, a bucket, a jug and an egg-cup, and we ask them what's the quickest way to empty the bath," said Bill.

"Oh I see, simple - the normal ones know it's the bucket, right?"

"No actually," said Bill, "The normal ones say pull out the plug. Should I check when there's a bed free for you?"